I wake up with the desperate need of the bathroom, the bed is so warm and cosy but the screaming of my bladder makes me throw back the covers and head for relief.  The plastic seat is a shock to my warm buttocks and I am instantly taken back to earlier years when there was no inside plumbing.

Not many people of my generation grew up with the luxury of an indoor toilet.  Most of us remember the miserable trek down the yard while the wind was howling round your bare legs.

At the moment we are in the icy grip of an Arctic front, the thermometer says -13 and I remember those awful mornings of my younger years when the wind made the air so much colder but the call of nature still had to be answered.

Grandma’s house didn’t have a “privy”, her toilet had plumbing, but it was still at the far end of the yard.  Most of the year was not a bad experience, in fact, because of fact that newspaper was our form of t.p., it could be an interesting way to spend a few minutes.

My grandchildren and even my daughters think I am exaggerating when I tell them we used to cut up newspaper for toilet paper.  When the weather was warm enough to relax, the outdoor throne could be a convenient place to hide and avoid chores for a while.  I remember sifting through the various sheets of the neatly hung printed matter until I found something interesting to read.  Finding the continuance of the story on a further piece of paper could be a challenge.

The old style of toilets must have had a simpler plumbing system than today’s modern convenience because newspaper never seemed to clog the system.

On the very rare occasions when they were purchased, Grandma used to save the tissue wrappers from mandarin oranges.  Tissues were regarded as a luxury and were hung, with care, behind the door of the toilet.  A couple of days ago, I was unwrapping some mandarins and was joking, with Dave, about how we used to think the wrappers were so soft and luxurious.  Unless it was a better quality tissue in those days, it was certainly not something we would consider soft at the present day.  He declined my offer to put some in our bathroom!

In winter the outdoor plumbing could easily freeze so an oil lamp was quite often hung in there, to protect the pipes.  Before the weather got cold enough to use the oil lamp the water would quite often get a light layer of frost, this could be a hazard.  In England, all flush toilets used to have a water tank suspended about six feet over the toilet, flushing was activated by pulling on a chain that hung from the tank.  If a frost layer had formed on the water, yanking on the chain could quite often result in the ice shattering and cascading down on the unfortunate person standing below.  Getting a shower of ice shards down ones collar could really affect the morning mood.

When Dave and I married we bought an older home that had cold water plumbing and an outside toilet, this worked fine until we could afford to install a modern bathroom.  However, I was always scared of the dark and reluctant to go outdoors at night.  My grandma had always indulged my night-time phobia and we used to go down the yard together and wait while each other used the facilities.

My favourite movies or reading material has always been psychological thrillers which are great in the daytime, but come back to haunt you when the lights go out.

Dave had a cast iron bladder and didn’t need to go as often as I did, so he used to stand at the door of the house and wait for me. I was always scared that he would wander back in the house so would ask him to talk to me or sing.  Someone who has no fears of the unknown cannot understand why I was so terrified of the dark and he would complain that he felt like a fool standing there and singing or talking to himself.

The year after we were married, we installed a bathroom and things became easier and soon forgot about trips outside in my nightie.  Surely one of the best inventions ever was the flush toilet and the convenience of indoor plumbing.  However, we manage to invent problems for ourselves and the battle between the sexes now is trying to keep the seat down.  How quickly we forget the inconvenience of the past when we worry about the position of the seat.

Now, if I could just find someone who would like to clean it for me, life would be complete!