Today’s column is not for the faint hearted, the chronically embarrassed or the people who take themselves too seriously.  I am going to write about the unspeakable, the strict no-no’s of polite conversation, the taboo of all social events.  I am going to mention the unmentionable….passing gas!

Cutting the cheese, letting one go, farting, a blast from the past, fluffing, tooting, whatever we call the function it is of great embarrassment to the perpetrator and of much amusement to anyone in the vicinity.

Why is it that such a natural part of our gastric system is of such an embarrassment?  We all do it, we have to or we would explode, no matter how refined our digestive system or how rich or poor is our diet.

We can put on all sorts of social airs and graces, hold an extremely dignified office and be gentrified in every way but, every now and again, our bodies will betray us and we can no longer hold it in.  Hard to imagine Queen Elizabeth or President Obama passing a lengthy rumble Donald Trump, however, is probably proud of his.

The act of passing gas is of such embarrassment that we try to be very discreet but if held in too long it can turn into a sound like the mating cry of a bull elephant.  It is maybe a little easier to hide an SBD (silent but deadly) as it was known in my family.  If you are in a group, everyone is usually too polite to say anything but everyone is trying to look innocent and wonder who the perpetrator is.

Possibly the worst place to do this is in a church, where we speak in hushed voices and a cough echoes round the high ceilings.   How mortifying then to be the perpetrator of a trumpet call that rattles the rafters.  The congregation, ever respectful of the place of worship, try to hold in their laughter but you know the entire assembly is smirking and laughing .  Even God is quietly smiling at the indiscretion.

One would think that the best place to relieve the abdominal pressure would be the bathroom but, for some reason, in a public washroom it is looked on as another shameful act.  If you hear the trumpet call coming from a cubical, it is cause for laughter and the poor person in the stall is mortified to know that her actions are causing such merriment.

I think that women are more likely to be embarrassed by this bodily function than their male counterparts.  Men have enjoyed passing noisy ones since they first discovered how much of a reaction it could get and, from the age of nine or ten, seem to think of it as a party trick.  Dave can start a blast in the kitchen and keep it going right through the living room and into the bedroom.  If he is feeling particularly proud of his emissions, he can do a couple of pirouettes and finish with a courtesy.  An SBD is usually just accompanied with a smirk as he sees my nose begin to wrinkle.

A true test of a relationship is probably being able to pass gas in front of the other person.  I takes quite a long time before you are comfortable enough to be natural in front of the other person and let them know that you have the same problems that they do.

It seems rather odd but it appears that when we love someone, we prove it by breaking wind in front of them, what truly strange creatures we are!