How often do we sing songs that are popular at certain times of the year, especially at Christmas,  and never really think about the lyrics?

One of the silliest is the twelve days of Christmas where the lovely lady sits at home and the weird boyfriend brings her rather odd gifts.

The first gift, the partridge, is OK if her family has a decent sized yard, with room for another tree.  Ditto the turtle doves, the hens and the calling birds.  All rather decorative and three hens could probably produce enough eggs to supply the family.

The gift of five golden rings is a bit excessive but I’m sure the lady in question would certainly be happier with this extravagant gift than the next day, when six geese arrive.

Not many of us are used to the richness of goose eggs and the hens are doing enough in the egg department, so the geese are not only unwanted, they are messy.  Anyone who has walked on a beach, formerly occupied by geese, will know just how messy goose droppings are.  There is no mention of the suitor coming round to clean up the mess, so who is supposed to do this loathsome chore?

To make matters worse, the next day seven swans are brought in to the picture.  Really, what is the girl supposed to do with the swans?  The fish pond is now empty of fish as the turtle doves have eaten all the pond life, but seven swans need rather more water than a garden pond and the geese have already laid claim to the area near the  water.  There is a constant squabbling between the birds as to who was in charge of the water rights.  The garden is now like a bird sanctuary and the family no longer can sit outside as the honking and hissing is driving them mad.  The young ladies father is now getting really hostile at the actions of the suitor and demands the girl break off her relationship with him.  The girl is starting to have similar feelings about the young man, but is hopeful of more jewellery so she tells him no more birds of any description and he agrees.

Imagine her disappointment the next day when he arrives with eight young milkmaids, all carrying pails.  The young lady thinks that maybe they have come to collect eggs and clean up the mess made by all the birds.  However, they just hang around looking for a cow and complaining about the goose poop.

The girl phones the boy and tells him she has had enough and doesn’t want any more gifts but, she would appreciate something romantic.  He thinks this is a great idea but, as usual, gets it wrong.  Instead of taking the girl out for dinner and dancing, he brings the dance to her, in fact he brings her nine dancing girls.

The women who had been invited to dance complain about the mess and the lack of music so, not to be inconsiderate, the fellow hires a local drum group.  The ten young guys are happy to play as they find it hard to get any other place to practice.

However, this does not make either the family or the dancing girls happy, they want more to dance to than a group of high school boys playing out of tune.  Being out of ideas and out of cash, the young guy asks the local pipe band if they can help out.  Eleven of them are available and are happy to come along and add the sound of bagpipes to the drums.

The neighbours are very upset with all the noise and disturbance next door, the police have been summoned and the young man arrested for breach of the peace.  It is, however, Christmas Eve and nobody in the court system wants to bother with such a trivial event.  Instead some of the local justices, who have been enjoying a few holiday drinks, go round to the home to see what the problem is.  When the twelve lords arrive, they are disgusted at the mess but very happy to see the pretty dancing girls and join in the fun, dancing and leaping round the yard, trying to avoid the goose poop.

Not being able to fight the system, the family go and spend Christmas with friends.

The moral of this carol is……….it is safer to buy gift cards.